Sink or Swim: The Trauma of Being Misunderstood

As summer winds down, I’m savoring every last moment. I come alive in the months leading up to autumn, thriving just in time for school to begin and the glorious return of fall. This summer has brought about a welcome change within me, transforming aspects of myself that no longer serve my higher purpose. 

My anger has boiled to the surface under the summer’s heat. It’s captured my attention to what perimenopause has been trying to tell me. This stage of life is forcing me to pause and reassess my energy. I’ve spent the summer processing my anger, only to uncover the deeper trauma of being misunderstood buried beneath.

It took 44 years, but now I can finally begin to heal this part of myself. Embracing my autism has helped me address my frayed nervous system and build a stronger foundation with the right support. It feels like I’ve been swimming against a raging current of others' expectations and standards for so long, and this summer, I’m finally able to swim at my own pace.

A friend threw me a lifeline in the form of an article titled “Let It Burn: The Four Stages of True Forgiveness.” Following its advice, I allowed the trauma of being misunderstood rise to the surface. The article explains that true healing begins when we allow our hearts to break—this marks the third stage of forgiveness. This article and season have led me to Aparigraha, the fifth yama from Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras, by releasing my broken heart and letting the pieces fall where they may.

Aparigraha, the yama of non-attachment, teaches me to take only what is needed and letting go of the rest. This practice is helping me face my complex PTSD, a consequence of being misunderstood. As autumn approaches, I gather the fragments of my broken heart, ready to let them transform like the falling leaves. While I’m sad to see this summer end, I will forever cherish the relief it brought—a late-in-life autism diagnosis and the forgiveness that followed.

I felt drawn to water this season and swam almost daily, especially at night. It’s no surprise to learn that swimming helps to regulate the body. Proprioceptors are the reason for this, as they are the sensory nerve endings in muscles, tendons, and joints. They send feedback to the brain and feelings within the body to know what we need, how to move, and where our edges are. 

The water helped me recognize the pieces of my heart that had broken off and blocked the flow. It reminds me of the night I swam before going into labor with my third child. The relief I felt as my body became weightless in the water, contrasted with the heaviness I felt as I stepped out, was intense. I couldn't have felt such relief without the discomfort, much like how I couldn't have stopped drinking without noticing the suffering it caused. 

I allow myself to feel the weight of sobriety, and the relief helps me stay sober. This season of life and Aparigraha are helping me find relief by releasing the anger that alcohol numbed so well. Anger competes for my thoughts and energy and creates a ruminating sense of injustice. My anger can turn ripples into waves, fear into ice, and anger into fire if unprocessed.

Summer and hot flashes have drawn me to the water as though my body knew it needed water’s soothing embrace. It helped balance and regulate me as I processed this new layer of healing, to know that with support and guidance, I can tread even the harshest waters.

This summer, I transformed scarcity into abundance, anger into justice, and fear into boundaries that keep me safe. I no longer agree to sink-or-swim because I’ve found a new world underneath the seabed of my broken heart. With understanding—the radiant crown atop our heads—we can navigate the waters of forgiveness and find relief one step and one phase at a time.

I invite you to deepen your Aparigraha practice by reflecting on the following journal prompts:

1. What triggers me to wear masks?

2. How can I let go of what no longer fuels my passion and purpose?

3. What support do I need to release what no longer serves me?

4. Am I holding onto grudges?

5. How has the ignorance of others hurt me?

6. Am I expressing my emotions?

7. Am I afraid of what I might feel?

8. What am I thankful for?

9. How might forgiveness set me free?

Prepare for the season shifting from summer to fall with this affirmation and healing intention: 

I release what no longer serves my purpose. I let go of patterns, thoughts, and stress responses that were created out of the trauma of being misunderstood. As the increasing shadows invite us home to ourselves, may we be like the autumn leaves, trusting nature’s wisdom to guide transformation. I embrace this transition with gratitude, welcoming the forgiveness and peace that autumn brings. 

If you feel like you’re sinking and need more support for your wellness journey, please reach out! I offer a free 20-minute consultation and a sliding scale to make wellness more accessible for those with limited income.